Yeah, that was a cheap way to get your attention. Maybe it made you laugh. But what a waste of such a reviled and powerful word. I don't really swear that often, but when I do I make it count. I feel a vitriolic surge when I feel the need to turn to someone and actually utter the words 'Fuck you'.
Let's talk a bit about the word fuck today. It is a hugely powerful word. The technical definition is an act of sexual intercourse, but the colloquial meaning is much broader. It is an exclamation point for any kind of statement. It makes anything you say more fucking important and a big fucking deal. It is always adversarial and carries with it a bit of violence. Sex and violence, what more could you want from a word? It is a noun, a verb, an adjective, and with a bit of creativity I am sure you could find other uses for it too. The word can fit any-fucking-where, even in the middle of words. So naturally with the variety of uses of this word, we should show our massive creative might by using it any and everywhere right? See just how many times we can drop an f-bomb in a single statement while keeping it grammatically apt.
Jack and Jill went up the fucking hill to fetch a pail of fucking water. Fucker Jack fell down and broke his fucking crown, and Jill fucking came tumbling after.
But you do that with any other word and it gets boring really fast. How about the word argyle.
Jack and Jill went up the argyle hill to fetch a pail of argyle water. Argyle Jack fell down and broke his argyle crown, and Jill argylely came tumbling after.
The biggest difference is that the second passage actually puts an image in your head. It is descriptive. Rolling hills of triangular patterns of beige and black and yellow, that apparently spread into the water and infect Jack as well. Putting him into a comatose state and removing his balance, forcing him to fall down the hill slain in poor fashion sense. So fuck is not descriptive, it is explosive, it is just like saying "really really super extreme". But in fewer words. It is saying "THIS IS IMPORTANT". Right?
If you have an e-mail account at the place you work, you know exactly how much you pay attention to e-mails that are flagged as important. And why is that? Because everyone labels their e-mail as important and so they just get lost in a sea of things that you know are only important to someone else. Fuck is supposed to be the word that tells us "This is more important than normal important stuff, pay attention to this". If you want people to pay attention to every word you say as if it were the most important thing in the world, saying fuck a lot will work. We are trained to hear it and care why it is being said. But it is like crying wolf. Soon I am going to figure out that your fucking argyle hill is just a normal hill, and when you have a real fucking point to make I won't notice.
Here is a favorite story of mine. I was told this by a deacon when I was in high school (yeah, I went to Catholic school, don't worry it didn't take).
A group of guys training to be clergy at seminary were hanging out in their dormitory listening to music late one evening, the music was up and they were having a good time. Unfortunately they were not so far from Father McDoogle's quarters. He was trying to sleep as he had early services in the morning. Politely he came over and knocked on the door. As the students opened the door he spoke in a warm and kindly Irish accent, "Boys, if you would not mind turning down the music, it is late and I need to get some sleep" They obediently responded "Of course Father" and turned down the music... until he walked away. Fifteen minutes later Father McDoogle came back and politely tapped on the door one more. "Boys, I asked you once, please turn down the music, it is well into the night and I have an early morning" The students apologized and turned down the music once more. Again once the Father had walked away they turned it back and continued to party. Finally Father McDoogle came back and slammed his fist against the door and intoned with all of the fire and brimstone of a Sunday sermon "Turn off the fucking music!" The students complied and went to bed right away. Father McDoogle never had to talk to them about the volume of their stereo again.
The word fuck is like an orgasm. Unless you are having a particularly lucky evening you are only going to get one a night, and most nights you probably won't get one at all. Part of the delight about it is that it is something special and powerful and that you build up to. So to the comedy writers of the world, please don't orgasm at me on each joke, each line of dialogue. You are not so amazingly comical that every word that comes from your gilded pen is an ejaculation of brilliant hilarity. Save yourself for when I really SHOULD give a fuck.
